một, hai, ba ...

What am I missing?

As I crouched outside of Beckham's door with my forehead pasted on the floor, praying that he would stop crying and simply lay down and go back to sleep, I got to thinking about what similar desires God has for me. 

Many categories of struggle in parenting revolve around the idea that we as parents know that our little boy needs to do X, Y, or Z, but he simply does not want to. In our perspective we know that if he is completely exhausted it would be far better for him to simply sleep, regardless of what else he wishes he could be doing. If he has not eaten, we know if would be far better for him now and in the long run if he would simply eat, regardless of what else he would rather do in that moment. These are very basic needs in life, quite obvious to a parent who wants their child to thrive and grow into all they can be.

And so I can't help but wonder - what are basic things God would have me listen to Him about, things He would have me do or not do on a daily basis, actions or disciplines or even just small gestures that, if I would only listen to Him and trust that it is good for me, despite what I might rather do or not do in that moment, and would make a truly transformative impact - on my life, Beckham's life, Anthony's life, and any one else's life who is connected to mine?

I need to do a little analogy calculation, something like this:

Beckham's refusal to eat is to my desire for him to eat and grow healthy and strong as is my refusal to listen to God in ______ way is to God's desire for me to do ______ and grow healthy and strong and more of whom He has created me to be...

I've never been good at analogies... good thing this is not a standardized test but rather a grace-filled journey of sanctification. God... asking for the grace to let me hear You... and in hearing, act as You lead.

Note to Self

I want to listen to God. More.
I want to hear God's ideas and follow His lead.
I believe with my whole heart that God can and will do exceeding abundantly more than all I could ask or imagine -- but I can all too easily exchange his beauty for cheap momentary satisfaction.

I want to choose discipline daily.
I want to choose trust rather than fear.
I want to choose love that sacrifices.
I want to choose to open my eyes rather than seek sleep.
I choose rest in Jesus that does not look like rest I can find on my own.

Courage for me will look like moment by moment listening and movement.

Sometimes you need to kill the (false) witness.

There are circumstancesfrom my childhood that have come to shape my perception of who I am today. This is true for any of us. This will be true for Beckham.

But not all perceptions are reality. Not all beliefs are grounded in truth. Sometimes we live as if we are chained when the reality is that God broke those chains a long time ago and there is a very different way He daily offers us to live.

So this morning during my time for devotion, I went out to our garage and dragged a moldy, rotting relic from my early childhood out onto the driveway - a dresser.

I grabbed an ax and a sledgehammer and... as an act of what I think could aptly be called worship...pummeled that old piece of furniture, pummeled that witness to parts of my childhood that have lingered and morphed into untruths in my life today. Pummeled it to pieces, assigning to each blow all manner of hackneyed, warped, binding lies about my life and who I am, about who I can or cannot become.

Christus Victor. Sola Dei gloria.

Travel travel travel.

In the middle of city #1 out of 4 in the next couple weeks. South of LA right now at Catalyst West Coast conference. Tomorrow morning I'll be sharing the stage with Naomi Zacharias - her father Ravi spoke this afternoon - and Jeannie Mai; two incredible women who are also involved in fighting sex trafficking.

On another note, some amazing things happening with a particularly violent case we've been working against in South Asia - details and prayers over at www.ijminstitute.org WIsh I could give more specifics, but we have to keep things secure so that the operation can continue to full success.

Missing my boys a ton... trying to keep the right perspective while I'm away from them multiple times over the next weeks. Be fully present where I am, trust the Lord to care for our family, and be fully present when I am home. And not fear. Fear not... my watchword. I always appreciate your prayers for us, especially as we have so much on our plate as a family right now. Hope to post some fun pics soon.

Random musings

• Still exhausted after a remarkable IJM Global Prayer Gathering (GPG). SO GOOD.
• Had fun with a live-blogging team at the GPG - check out their details/videos re: the event
• Loving my rainy day at home with Beckham. Can't get enough of the pounding water on the windows and the early-spring thunder
• B. would play in the rain all day if we let him. "Out" is his favorite request lately
• B. loves Slim Jims. Even though they are pretty spicey.
• So relieved that B. continues to gain weight - thank you for praying!
• Grandma Hoang's Chinese medicine strategy seems to be totally increasing B's appetite this week. GI doc is aware that we're trying this :-)
• Thinking of going out to pick some daffodils while the rain has subsided
• Anthony and I are in a community group with two other couples... has been a huge blessing to us. We've never tried this before. We meet up every 2 weeks.

The Pale Green

Finally, it's happening. I've been watching and waiting, scrutinizing, wondering...

Intermittent sunshine intermixing with cold rain this month. Heavy fog this morning. And then - Sunshine. Tulip trees blooming, cherry blossoms, well, blossoming, daffodils shining their sunny yellow.

AND.

The pale pale green of new life is starting to grow on the branches.

Trees so bare and dormant, now ready to burst. But they will make us wait... and in so doing offer a beautiful reward for patience - slow, slow, growing pale green turning ever darker, leaves pushing out their full furl over days and even weeks, eventually forming thick canopies offering cool shade.

But for now, the pale green. 

My very favorite transition moment of the year.

Nostalgia

Every now and then  - or, quite often - I love to remember France. Anthony and I spent some time there a few years ago (including a few days with his parents), and there's just something about the country, and certainly Paris, that awakens me a bit, fills my senses, gets my imagination churning. I'm convinced I'd be a better and more prolific writer if we lived there from time to time :-) But perhaps photos and memories can be effective too...

Four photos from the archives:

       

Snowy Stroll

Love strolling our neighborhood with Anthony and Beckham. Has been awhile since we ventured out, coffee mugs in hand, for some fresh air. Along the way I discovered Anthony had a little bit of an alterior, er, additional motive for wanting to take a stroll - he had plans to spy on our neighbor's paint color. You could say we have quite a bit of home maintenance on the brain!

Lent 1

A few notes/quotes from last evening's Ash Wednesday service...

"Spare Your people, O Lord, and make not your heritage a reproach, a byword among the nations. Why should they say among the peoples, "Where is their God"" - Joel 2:17b

Do you give from a posture of humble gratitude because you know Your Father loves you and cares for you?

You are not the sum of your cravings, lusts, desires. We say "yes" to denial [of ourselves] so that we can say "yes" to dependence [on our God alone].

Where is your heart?

This is a deliberate season, a peculiar season, a tithe of your year, given to dependent intimacy with your Father. And we are entering this season, together.

Of Lent and Birthdays

I love that my birthday falls simulaneous with Lent this year. I love that I was able (thanks to Anthony generously staying home with sleeping Beckham) to go to an Ash Wednesday service tonight at my brother's new church and begin the season of Lent and my imminent entrance into the decade of my 30's with a time of quiet worship, repentence, and consideration of the days ahead.

I am hoping to embrace a daily discipline this Lent of writing, and that will partly involve posting a daily reflection here on this little blog. I'd love to hear your own reflections, prayers, scriptures, musings, and so forth, along the way. As my brother noted tonight, Lent, being 40 days, is in many ways a rounded-up tithe of our time in a year - 40 being just over 10% of 365 days. All time belongs to our Maker, but I'm encouraged to find ways to be deliberate in surrendering "my" time in fresh ways to God in these days ahead.